If you know me, you’d know I’m quite taciturn. If you know me well, you’d know that if you get me to talk about painting (particularly, oil painting), I wouldn’t shut up for days. And that’s a good indication that oil painting is special.
A few days ago, I picked up the brushes again after a 20 month hiatus. (Damn it grad school!)
As much as I enjoy interface design and countless hours immersed clicking, nothing matches the sheer joy of taking raw color and bending it to your will. The vibrancy, the stench, the moment you step away from your canvas. Ah, that’s gorgeous, or, shit, how did I miss that? Either way, every stroke brings you closer to a masterpiece, truly crafted by your finger tips.
It is such a shame that oil painting is both a money and, more importantly, time heavy investment. Even my speediest paintings have take. A total of 4 hours.. Planning, mixing, painting, and touching up.
With all the things I want to do in life, I end up giving up painting regularly to accomplish it all. And even then, I still don’t have enough time. When I get back into it, I can’t help but to feel I’m neglecting the greatest love of my life to tend my mistresses (albeit mistresses which also bring me a wonderful sense of creative fulfillment).
With that, I’ll stop here so I may return to painting. 6 hours in and I’m barely there. I justify this time spent as a vacation and as a means to an end (This project is special ;).
If one day there became an effective means of integrating oil painting into UCD, I’d be the happiest person alive. Until then, I cherish the hours I have and hope the people who look at my work do too. —
Post hacked up on iPad. Plz forgive any awkward phrasing and spelling errors.
Yesterday, Steve Jobs resigned as Apple CEO. Everyone was talking about it. Today, even my tiger mum, brought it up, and she doesn’t follow technology. (If my mum catches on to anything in my world, you know it’s made a ripple.) After reading perhaps the 20th article on the subject, one linked Steve Job’s 2005 Stanford Commencement Speech . Steve talks about the inability to connect the dots moving forward and having faith that when looking back, the dots will, in fact, connect.
After rewatching, I kept this in the back of my head today while I wasted the afternoon away, sadly, watching videos of cats (no shame). Since finishing my degree, I’ve been experiencing a looming feeling of lost…
Moving rather slowly through some coding. Feeling lightyears behind people who have the magical abiltily to realize their own ideas.
Talking to some buddies back at home. Some still don’t have jobs. So, haven’t I accomplished enough?
Then talking to some other buddies from home who are out in the world. One is pursuing her PhD already. Kicking academia ass in general. Hm…
Paging thru some sketches I made recently. Such a joyous, yet useless, talent.
Frustrated by stagnation, I drove myself to Starbucks (always helps) to dwell on the subject more. While reading again, I circle to YCombinator and Women2.0, reading about female start-up founders and the lack thereof. For some reason, I then found myself thinking I should submit a YC Start-up School app despite having almost no technical prowess (HTML/CSS doesn’t really count guys). Go undergrad (part) art major go!
Long story of self doubt short, I decided to point to Raincat as my coolest project albeit it was a team project and I didn’t write any code. But what I did do was the art direction, UI, and small website to promote the thing. To give my answer some ground, I pulled up Analytics to cite the absolute uniques since launching the site… 12k. Um, whoa, when did that happen? In the greater internet world, it isn’t much, but for the amount of promotion and development done on it since finishing (read: almost none), it’s a pretty nice number.
An experience I created on the corner of the web had that many eyeballs gracing it.
This little episode reminded me about a few dots. I was an art major to begin because of their potential to reach people. I then switched to the tech realm because I was enamored by those who could build their own ideas. Then I realize that I am not exactly behind or ahead and that I just need to keep moving forward, refining my craft, regardless of my surroundings. To cite the extreme - Up against death, everything fades except for what you really want to do.
The simplest things are sometimes the hardest to grasp, especially when it’s about yourself, and is only realized when you realize it for yourself .
 Apple fan or not, this is worth your time, guaranteed.
 Possibly a side-effect of always being hard on myself. It’s ingrained in me. Also, this post ended up being a lot more mundane in text, oh well!
Coming of age rants; getting over things rants. Gloriously high school like. Notes to self perhaps.
Too many experiences have I had some disgusting bastard tell me I’m wonderful except for a few things. Then, they proceed to mold me into changing. Unfortunately for them, they never succeed. And unfortunately for me, I never realized I had the power to break free from their influences.
Sorry, I can and will not change because I fully understand that I am in charge.
If some jackass masquerading as someone who cares is pressuring you to change the fundamental core of your existence, tell them to fuck off now. Nobody is worth changing for. Aside from that, the essence of you, it’s impossible to change without deviating from yourself.
Everytime I try to have a heart-to-heart conversation with extended family, it always funnels back to the same topics of uninterest: worth as determined by numbers. Then they proceed to try to use a trump card against me. Unfortunately for them, I have the upperhand now in most respects which they care about. And unfortunately for me, I suffered many years to get to this point, and the truth is, the ridiculousness still kind of gets to me. There is always something you can pinpoint and exploit. The game might change soon.
Sorry, a person isn’t determined by their numbers. Or by one dimensional aspects.
If some conversations are giving you a hard time, keep calm and keep your mask on. The best defense is indifference.
Last night, my parents told me they were proud and that I have won.
Unfortunately, I have no idea what I won.
All I thought about today, while sick and useless, is that, winning is kind of lonely.
The analogy I don’t know how to otherwise fold into this prose -
I feel like a fluffy INFP teddy bear. Seemingly fluffy inside and out. Very attractive when others want to seek advice and comfort. I reciprocate. The outside is fluffy after all. There I sit in the corner, receiving the love and hugs in a time of need. Less so do I get attention for just casual hang out. No one wants to take their teddy bear to the bar.
But sometimes, after awhile left alone, even the stuffed animal wants a hug, even if the other doesn’t need it. It’s rarely noticed however, since it is assumed this type of person is great at taking their own advice at all times. Let me tell you, we are defunct like that. Great at taking care of others, shit at taking care of themselves. Teddy bears!