Journal > “You Win”
Coming of age rants; getting over things rants. Gloriously high school like. Notes to self perhaps.
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Too many experiences have I had some disgusting bastard tell me I’m wonderful except for a few things. Then, they proceed to mold me into changing. Unfortunately for them, they never succeed. And unfortunately for me, I never realized I had the power to break free from their influences.
Sorry, I can and will not change because I fully understand that I am in charge.
If some jackass masquerading as someone who cares is pressuring you to change the fundamental core of your existence, tell them to fuck off now. Nobody is worth changing for. Aside from that, the essence of you, it’s impossible to change without deviating from yourself.
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Everytime I try to have a heart-to-heart conversation with extended family, it always funnels back to the same topics of uninterest: worth as determined by numbers. Then they proceed to try to use a trump card against me. Unfortunately for them, I have the upperhand now in most respects which they care about. And unfortunately for me, I suffered many years to get to this point, and the truth is, the ridiculousness still kind of gets to me. There is always something you can pinpoint and exploit. The game might change soon.
Sorry, a person isn’t determined by their numbers. Or by one dimensional aspects.
If some conversations are giving you a hard time, keep calm and keep your mask on. The best defense is indifference.
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Last night, my parents told me they were proud and that I have won.
“You win.”
Unfortunately, I have no idea what I won.
All I thought about today, while sick and useless, is that, winning is kind of lonely.
The analogy I don’t know how to otherwise fold into this prose -
I feel like a fluffy INFP teddy bear. Seemingly fluffy inside and out. Very attractive when others want to seek advice and comfort. I reciprocate. The outside is fluffy after all. There I sit in the corner, receiving the love and hugs in a time of need. Less so do I get attention for just casual hang out. No one wants to take their teddy bear to the bar.
But sometimes, after awhile left alone, even the stuffed animal wants a hug, even if the other doesn’t need it. It’s rarely noticed however, since it is assumed this type of person is great at taking their own advice at all times. Let me tell you, we are defunct like that. Great at taking care of others, shit at taking care of themselves. Teddy bears!
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That was a lot of nonsense spewed.
Oh well, here is some wisdom I often repeat now.
This too shall pass.
