I’ve been told to improve many, many times. And it’s always been true. I’m still paying my dues, learning, improving. I think I’ll always be on some front. [0]

However, I was once delivered this great insult: You lack depth. [1]

I know I spend tons of time sketching, sewing, doing things which do not contribute directly to my career. Hell, it’s not even just that: To tell me to stop “wasting time” on these things and to invest it into “more meaningful” projects is so lost. 

I’m not sure why all my life there was someone who was so compelled, someone who would proceed to put great effort into making me feel so miserable about the things I love. As much as I say I’m over this, it’s still too close for comfort.

Also, I know most do not think this. It’s the exception who did. And yet, it’s still the greatest insult, and I believe it be the greatest insult for anyone who cares about their craft. To say one lacks depth all while knowing about these loves is the greatest insult.

And to the rest of you, I’ll let you know…

And when I finish, I hope the journey will be a fulfilling one. And I hope I find my principle. [2]

…Then, it will continue.

I finally figured out how to articulate this.

fin. [3]

—

0. Let’s be clear: I appreciate constructive critique. Maybe not at first, which is sadly a side effect of being sensitive, but definitely in retrospect. I’m admitting to that.

1. Perhaps using an iceberg here is a complete shallow, surface level depiction. However, when an audience sees an iceberg, they’ll think of the underneath majesty. That’s what I want you to see here… Look at anyone and all you see is the tip; do not force anything onto them because your insight is only the tip. That’s the lesson I want to convey. That’s what I want you to keep in mind. It’s also something I’m striving to keep in mind.

2. I just watched a great talk about this. It’s Bret Victor’s Inventing on Principle.

3. I think articulating it in blog form is especially useful. Thanks for your eyes.

Hi everyone, tonight, I am here in front of a laptop to finish up [0] to you my latest post: THE MHCI post mortem. I hope, you, the reader can peek what into what has been my world and experience for the past 8 months - It’s an adventure for you and me [1]. I am also very pleased to let you know this will be a multimedia piece! Illustrative doodles accompany major points of this presentat—, post. /end higher-pitched professional voice mode.

Expectations

I do admit, I didn’t have any particular expectations when I decided to do this. The logic was straight-forward: for just an extra 3 months and 18k [2], I can walk out of CMU with a highly regarded masters degree in a field which I am passionate about. No brainer, right?

Long story short, there weren’t much of any expectations. And looking ahead, longer story short, I was blown out of the water.

Never-worked-this-hard-in-my-life Spring

This isn’t to say CMU hasn’t been working me into the ground every previous semester, but there was something particular about the people who surrounded me… I pin this back to our project’s secondary research, this thing called social normative pressure.

Social normative pressure is an interesting thing. I believe I worked as hard as I did, doing extra for the sake of learning because I felt behind. My peers were experienced, wise, mature, more ambitious than I. This drove me to sleepless nights and inane meal schedules, er, more than my usual ones! I looked outwards more than ever, adding new feeds and applications to scrutinized to my repitriore. I changed up my styling in class a bunch. I somehow built up to the point where I could marathon an assignment for 15 hours straight (new record).

Even despite all this, I still have room to improve, tons of room. But I think of it as a healthy obsession. Well, healthy for my ambition and early 20s at least.

Roller Coaster Summer Beginnings

Summer was an interesting experience, to say the least. [5] Skimping on some personal details, my first time going out of the country for the CHI 2011 conference without family  changed a set of my core internal values, much to my surprise. Usually, I don’t waver on such things. I previously touched upon why this may have happened [6].

Stepping out into a completely zone with an open mind did wonders. It seems to have further accelerated my desire to do something with my life which also did a big part in propagating a serious decision.

Ramping Up

After I stiffened up from the drama, things ramped up quickly. At some point, I couldn’t remember what I was doing the week before because there was much to micro and backburn at any given time. Nonetheless, we finished strong and came out with a gorgeous result. Very pleased.

A quick insight on this, direction, or lack of thereof. There a fine balance between constraints and freedom which needs to cooperate in order for a great result to emerge. Another thing I thank this experience for is the ability to evaluate situations better to find these parameters.. and the ability to say “No.”

The Finish

Never has an academic program made me so happy to be capable of great things and cry so much over small things, but there you go, if you gave me the choice again. I’d say, I do it again. I came out loving almost everything about the whole experience. [7] [8]

—
Footnotes by the Foot

[0] I actually flushed out the contents a day after finishing. Today is the new class’s orientation in which reminded me, perhaps, I should finish up writing this post. Then was reminded a second time by a friend who is now in my old project room!

[1] But perhaps largely me. Hah! No one reads these things right?

[2] I accomplished this via a loophole made possible by being an overachiever who enabled herself to graduate a semester early.

[3] So insecure and unsure: What should I do with my life? (September 2010).

[4] The day I received the acceptance email: Yay, grad school! (November 2010).

[5] Read: boys.

[6] Ripe for Disruption I was (July 2011).

[7] Apply and you can have the time of your life too. I am a good walking advertisement. I should be paid for this. I convinced a few at home to consider. Magic!

[8] At some point, this post swelled and became hard to finish. Forgive the lack of polish in details, I figured I should just push it out the door. < Sounds like a start-up or side project.

Coming of age rants; getting over things rants. Gloriously high school like. Notes to self perhaps.

—

Too many experiences have I had some disgusting bastard tell me I’m wonderful except for a few things. Then, they proceed to mold me into changing. Unfortunately for them, they never succeed. And unfortunately for me, I never realized I had the power to break free from their influences.

Sorry, I can and will not change because I fully understand that I am in charge.

If some jackass masquerading as someone who cares is pressuring you to change the fundamental core of your existence, tell them to fuck off now. Nobody is worth changing for. Aside from that, the essence of you, it’s impossible to change without deviating from yourself.

—

Everytime I try to have a heart-to-heart conversation with extended family, it always funnels back to the same topics of uninterest: worth as determined by numbers. Then they proceed to try to use a trump card against me. Unfortunately for them, I have the upperhand now in most respects which they care about. And unfortunately for me, I suffered many years to get to this point, and the truth is, the ridiculousness still kind of gets to me. There is always something you can pinpoint and exploit. The game might change soon.

Sorry, a person isn’t determined by their numbers. Or by one dimensional aspects.

If some conversations are giving you a hard time, keep calm and keep your mask on. The best defense is indifference.

—

Last night, my parents told me they were proud and that I have won.

“You win.”

Unfortunately, I have no idea what I won.

All I thought about today, while sick and useless, is that, winning is kind of lonely.

The analogy I don’t know how to otherwise fold into this prose - 

I feel like a fluffy INFP teddy bear. Seemingly fluffy inside and out. Very attractive when others want to seek advice and comfort. I reciprocate. The outside is fluffy after all. There I sit in the corner, receiving the love and hugs in a time of need. Less so do I get attention for just casual hang out. No one wants to take their teddy bear to the bar.

But sometimes, after awhile left alone, even the stuffed animal wants a hug, even if the other doesn’t need it. It’s rarely noticed however, since it is assumed this type of person is great at taking their own advice at all times. Let me tell you, we are defunct like that. Great at taking care of others, shit at taking care of themselves. Teddy bears!

—

That was a lot of nonsense spewed.

Oh well, here is some wisdom I often repeat now.

This too shall pass.